Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My dog ate my work from home.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.