Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
rapatouille
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: