Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
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Cheers Twitter.
🙀🙀🙀😹
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
set yourself free xox
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.