4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Sticker placement is key.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.