I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
What
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels