*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.