My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
sigh
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*