A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Florida be like…
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me