6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus