Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew