gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
the three genders
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there