gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same