Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?