PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
mom gave me mine for free
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?