When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
True?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL