I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You Might Also Like
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.