Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
tinder is all about the long game
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.