@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

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@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

@Lovestained555

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

@13spencer

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

@ComicLover_94

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

@sharkies3

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.