I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild


16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.


Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn


Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.