it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.