If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
You Might Also Like
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*watches the world burn*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”