If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
You Might Also Like
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
he looks great for his age
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.