I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)