MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
He-man has a Masters degree
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.