He-man has a Masters degree
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
And now we wait
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
i now pronounce you bounced.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled