If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.