My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I hope they boil the right one.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito