H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When you kidnap a writer.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Lmao 🤣
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda