Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.