I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I am, perchance
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”