[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower