My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I missed you with all my darts
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.