My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
congratulations to them
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.