(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
dutch is not a serious language
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder