“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.