Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Every. Damn. Time.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”