Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
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Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
yes… yes…
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ok this is my dumbest yet
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen