I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.