Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
#TopTip
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
When they try to steal your moment.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
😏😏😏
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Every haunted house movie:
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Breaking news:
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Something Saturday.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”