Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.