I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
thanks auntie mary
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
need him
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
That eye roll….
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean