They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?