Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?