Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance