If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor