My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’m dying louder than usual today.
mathematically impossible
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story