I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Lmaoo 😂
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you