[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
are they though??
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
peeping toms
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.