If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
😂🤣😂🤣
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
that de-escalated quickly
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.