It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.