“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”