Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Every. Damn. Time.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?